My husband and I have been working on a kitchen remodelling project for nearly two months and we are still in the demolition stage. Against my wishes, we have been doing all the work ourselves and it has taken an emotional toll on me. Dealing with clutter, debris, dust, and inconvenience has made me miserable. The frustration of living out of boxes and camping out in my own house has worn thin.
Intellectually, I know that when this is done, we will be so glad that we remodelled and that it will add value to our home. But it seems like it is taking so long to even get started, that I wonder if I will ever see it completed. The stress of this project has been weighing very heavy on me and has made me short tempered and negative.
An very insightful friend recently told me something about myself that hit close to home. My friend's observation upset me very much because it was so close to the truth. It also made me think about how sometimes what appears to be a very good thing can have a very negative effect on people, like this project has to me and I don't like feeling that way.
Often during times like now, a song will run through my head for no apparent reason. Later when I look back on it, that song is very significant to what I am feeling at the time. The song that has been running through my head a lot lately is "The Weight" by The Band, which was on one of my favorite albums of all time, Music From Big Pink.
Monday, May 23, 2005
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Yesterday
Yesterday marked thirteen years since my father in law died from a heart attack. He had suffered a heart attack twenty years earlier and had undergone quadruple by pass surgery two years before. We all knew he was living on borrowed time, but it did not make the shock of losing him any less.
My father in law was one of the most outgoing, upbeat, people oriented, and fun loving people I have ever met. He sure could tell stories, many of which we heard over and over. He did not have an enemy in the world. I miss him very much still.
My father in law was one of the most outgoing, upbeat, people oriented, and fun loving people I have ever met. He sure could tell stories, many of which we heard over and over. He did not have an enemy in the world. I miss him very much still.
Friday, May 06, 2005
Why Is It?
Yesterday it rained heavily here. Our house is on a dirt road that turns to muck every time it rains. I had to make a trip to the post office which meant driving down the muddy road. As I was carefully negotiating around the mushier parts of the road and the puddles, it suddenly occurred to me that how odd my driving was. My car is eleven and a half years old with its left rear quarter panel damaged from an accident and it was definitely not clean to begin with. So why was I taking such great care to avoid the muck and puddles?
We all have certain conditioned behaviors that are not necessarily bad, but really do not make much sense. Avoiding mud and puddles in an already dirty car is apparently one of mine. I laugh when I think about it. I also laugh at a certain other behaviors that fall into that same "why is it" category.
One of the oddest and one that I cannot explain to myself involves the Suwannee River which is a major river here in Florida. The Suwannee River is a very picturesque river that inspired Stephen Foster to write a song about it, even though it is said that he never saw it. Every year, there is a major music festival held in White Springs at the Stephen Foster Folk Center on the Suwannee River.
The Suwannee runs north and south from the Georgia line to the Gulf of Mexico, just north of Cedar Key on Florida's west coast, thus bisecting Florida. I live in the northern part of the state and west of the river, so every time I travel south, I must cross the Suwannee River. There is no getting around it regardless of the route I choose.
While I love the Suwannee River, for some unexplained reason, I am always feel compelled to lift my feet off the floor whenever I cross it. I have been doing this as long as I can remember and I haven't a clue as to why. Like trying to keep the mud off an already dirty car, this is one of those "why is it" things. Harmless, yet curious.
We all have certain conditioned behaviors that are not necessarily bad, but really do not make much sense. Avoiding mud and puddles in an already dirty car is apparently one of mine. I laugh when I think about it. I also laugh at a certain other behaviors that fall into that same "why is it" category.
One of the oddest and one that I cannot explain to myself involves the Suwannee River which is a major river here in Florida. The Suwannee River is a very picturesque river that inspired Stephen Foster to write a song about it, even though it is said that he never saw it. Every year, there is a major music festival held in White Springs at the Stephen Foster Folk Center on the Suwannee River.
The Suwannee runs north and south from the Georgia line to the Gulf of Mexico, just north of Cedar Key on Florida's west coast, thus bisecting Florida. I live in the northern part of the state and west of the river, so every time I travel south, I must cross the Suwannee River. There is no getting around it regardless of the route I choose.
While I love the Suwannee River, for some unexplained reason, I am always feel compelled to lift my feet off the floor whenever I cross it. I have been doing this as long as I can remember and I haven't a clue as to why. Like trying to keep the mud off an already dirty car, this is one of those "why is it" things. Harmless, yet curious.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Growing Old and Growing Up, Again
It has been over a month since I last posted an entry here. Time flies even when you are not having fun.
Since my last entry, I celebrated another birthday in late April. Every year as my birthday approaches, I struggle with my emotions over this event. Logic tells me that I should be happy that I am alive and healthy. However, the event reminds me how much society stereotypes us even by a number.
A person's age automatically defines who they are to others. My number is up there and yet I do not look, act, or feel as old as my age is seen by our society. My tastes are much more those of someone in their 20's or 30's. My driver's license photo looks like a person 20 years younger than my age. Thank goodness for small favors in life. My outlook is that of today, not of the past.
But I have spent most of my life marching to a slightly out of step and different drummer. Because my path has been different from the expectations that society imposes on us, I often feel as if I don't fit in anywhere. So it is with my age. I am still a twenty something year old stuck in a middle age body. It seems as though society expects us to conform to the preconcieved notions of what a person of my age should be. I'm not buying it. If that is the case, I never want to grow up.
Since my last entry, I celebrated another birthday in late April. Every year as my birthday approaches, I struggle with my emotions over this event. Logic tells me that I should be happy that I am alive and healthy. However, the event reminds me how much society stereotypes us even by a number.
A person's age automatically defines who they are to others. My number is up there and yet I do not look, act, or feel as old as my age is seen by our society. My tastes are much more those of someone in their 20's or 30's. My driver's license photo looks like a person 20 years younger than my age. Thank goodness for small favors in life. My outlook is that of today, not of the past.
But I have spent most of my life marching to a slightly out of step and different drummer. Because my path has been different from the expectations that society imposes on us, I often feel as if I don't fit in anywhere. So it is with my age. I am still a twenty something year old stuck in a middle age body. It seems as though society expects us to conform to the preconcieved notions of what a person of my age should be. I'm not buying it. If that is the case, I never want to grow up.
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