Apology updated

I thought I would re-publish an updated version of something I wrote here over eleven years ago It seems more important than ever in today's dog eat dog world. And that is the art of an apology. I had been thinking about this ever since the United States bombed the MSF (Doctors Without Borders) hospital in Afghanistan and the unapology that the Obama offered as a result after first making weak excuses for the bombing. My diary today is about personal apologies, but it certainly can and should apply to our own government in all of its criminal wrong doings world wide.

The lack of an apology broke apart Everly Brothers. It was one of the longest lasting and best known public feuds. Their rift began publicly when Don showed up drunk to a concert in 1973 and botched the words to one of their best known songs. But the bad blood between the brothers went back even further, lasting decades, and only ended with the death of Phil Everly in 2014.

Seriously, how hard is it to own up to making a mistake? Apparently, very hard for some people.
To some people, an apology is a sign of weakness. To some people, appearing vulnerable would be more painful than putting a hot iron on their faces. To some people, being right is worth fighting for until they finally reach the grave for good.

In our fractious world, we are forever seeing a well known figure issuing a blanket public apology for a personal misdeed. Often, the apology is accompanied by a statement intended to mitigate the issuer's responsibility. Unfortunately, this is increasingly the case even on the personal level. No one really seems to want to accept responsibility for his or her own actions any more.

At the time that I originally wrote this entry, it was in response to an incident that occurred at an on line message board. I was fairly new to the world of on line websites and was rather shocked at what happened to me. A poster on a message board made vicious personal attack on me and another poster. She got caught and called out for it by others at the site. Shortly thereafter, this person chose that same public forum to issue a generic apology to both us. But the damage had already been done. The public airing of the apology struck me as hollow and insincere, especially when that same forum had a personal message system that would have allowed her to apologize to each of us directly first. That experience got me to thinking about what constitutes an honest apology.

Of course, the degree of the transgression usually dictates the degree of the apology. For example, if one accidentally steps on another person's toe or bumps into an individual in public, a simple "I'm sorry" usually suffices. If the transgression is more severe such as spilling a cup of coffee or a glass of wine on another person, the verbal apology should be accompanied by a follow up action to rectify the resulting damage.

So what should happen when someone purposefully says hurtful things to or about another? Is saying "I'm sorry" enough? Or is it only one of many actions needed for a sincere apology? Those were the questions I asked myself in writing this.

Saying "I'm sorry" is just one step in an apology, but it is not the first step in an honest apology. Accepting full responsibility within one's own mind for the transgression is imperative as the first step towards a sincere apology. This is often the hardest step. That means confessing to yourself that you were wrong without justifying your actions to yourself.

Below is a personal story to demonstrate that. The apology actually occurred nearly two years after I wrote the original blog on apology, but it was a case of an apology done right and one that mended a very broken relationship.

When I was a senior in high school, a boy whom I had been dating asked me to go to the prom with him. Then one week before the prom, he got cold feet and broke the date, saying he did not want to go. I was hurt, humiliated, and angry. And we literally never spoke again after that until...fast forward forty years. And at our 40th reunion, he approached me and asked if we could talk. He then made a very honest and heartfelt apology for hurting me and said he had felt guilty about it for all those years since. He did not ask forgiveness. I accepted his apology, but I was not ready to give him forgiveness at that moment. I had to process it all first.

This article from Oprah's website is excellent in how an effective apology is constructed. I have blockquoted the part on forgiveness, because this is very important point that many who are apologizing do not understand.

An effective apology is, as Lazare puts it, "an act of honesty, an act of humility, an act of commitment, an act of generosity, and an act of courage." But there's no guarantee that the other person involved will share your warm fuzzies. The final gallant act of apology is to release your former victim from any expectation of forgiveness. No matter how noble you have been, he will forgive—or refuse to forgive—on his own terms. That is his right.

Even though the apology to me was delayed by decades, the recipient of it (me) still appreciated getting it. It took me a while to actually process it before I could say that I forgave him. And I did forgive him later. But here is an important point that I can make based upon my own experience of getting a long delayed apology. When an apology is honest and heartfelt, then it is never too late to offer one.

So like my former boyfriend, a person must take that first step and admit to him or herself (without excuses or justification) that he or she was wrong. Only then, can someone begin on the road to an honest apology. In order to be truly sincere, the verbal or written apology should be made directly to the injured party, and must be devoid of trying to mitigate or justify one's transgression. Without this step, a public apology appears to be just a empty show or a washing of one's hands.

As part of the apology, some people think that forgiveness may be requested, but I personally believe that it shifts the burden back upon the injured party and therefore should not be a part of the apology. Sometimes, the injured party may not be ready to completely accept the apology right away and that is okay. My own first reaction was not completely on board. It took me a while to overcome my own defensiveness before I could bring myself to forgive my former boyfriend. For some people, it might take longer. Regardless of the reaction of the recipient to the apology, a sincere apology may require additional actions that demonstrate the sincerity of it and ensure that the same transgression is not repeated in the future.

Psychology Today had a very good article on the art of an apology. This excerpt stood out for me.

An apology should be a completely one-sided communication, an acknowledgement of guilt and regret on your side, asking nothing in return. You don't have to grovel. Just give your apology and accept that it may take time to repair the damage. If we've done or said something especially hurtful, we may have seriously scarred the relationship. I recall one friendship that I permanently damaged by telling the truth in a deliberately hurtful way (although I didn't recognize it at the time) and then offering an apology that included the word "if."

Tolerating real, possibly lasting guilt and regret are part of tendering a true apology.

The entire idea of an apology is for the offender to embrace his or her transgression, let the injured party know that they are truly sorry for the transgression, and avoid putting any additional burden upon the injured party.

It is a hard lesson to learn, not just about making an apology, but also about accepting one.

A Remarkable Florida Wildlife Sighting

This past weekend, I made a trip from my north Florida home in Tallahassee to central Florida to visit family for several days. Sunday was my travel day going south. While there are still many large areas of undeveloped land in north Florida, central Florida has experienced massive development in recent years. In that context, what happened on Sunday was remarkable.

.
There are two main routes to travel from Tallahassee to central Florida. I can travel nearly all the way via interstates until just south of Ocala, or I can take a slower and more scenic alternative route. The alternative route is the one that I prefer which takes US Highway 27 / Alternate 27 to Ocala and then Interstate 75 to the Florida Turnpike and then finally I get back on US 27 South to my family.

The northern segment of this route follows through pine forests and cattle ranches until I reach the halfway point which is Chiefland. At Chiefland, I pick up Alternate 27 that runs through the beautiful horse country until I reach Ocala. Many of the Florida thoroughbred farms are in this area of Florida, as well as other horse farms. It is very picturesque seeing all the graceful thoroughbreds or Arabian horses in their immaculately maintained and beautifully fenced pastures along the way. Sunday was a gorgeous day and I passed a huge equestrian competition outside Ocala. Other than seeing the horses and riders for that competition, my trip had been very uneventful.

After passing through horse country, I reached Ocala where I picked up Interstate 75. Riding along the 26 mile segment of Interstate 75 between Ocala and the Florida Turnpike is always my least favorite part of this trip. This part of the interstate is always crowded and everyone drives well above the speed limit so I always feel on edge. The traffic was heavier than normal due to the influx of northern tourists vacationing here during spring break, so I was relieved to get on the Turnpike which seems sane compared to the interstate.

I only spend about 14 miles on the Turnpike, after which I have about 50 miles or so of what used to be my favorite part of the trip many years ago. This segment was once nearly solid with the beautiful citrus groves all the way from Minneola to Haines City. This region forms the spine of Florida and is very hilly with many small lakes interspersed among the hills. I always looked forward to seeing the groves. There is nothing so beautiful as the deep dark green of the citrus groves against the bright blue sky. But the groves are now all gone and have been replaced by development after development of cookie cutter houses. It has become nowhere or anywhere USA. A side effect of this massive amount of development has been a huge increase in traffic on US 27 which has been widened to six lanes but still is congested.

These last 50 miles which were once my favorite part of the trip have become the most maddening or frustrating part of the trip. What was once a scenic and almost pastoral trip has become stop and go with traffic light after traffic light congestion. Even though the speed limit is 55 mph, no one could ever reach that speed.

So for that last 50 miles or so, I persisted through stop light after stop light until I reached Haines City which is the last major town before I reach my destination. From Haines City to my destination is less than ten miles to where I turn off at Dundee. This area of Florida is where the lakes take over from the hills. As I headed south from Haines City, it was about one in the afternoon and there was heavy traffic on the six lanes of US 27.

I was about halfway between Haines City and Dundee, when suddenly a large cat, a very long, low cat, ran across six lanes of traffic from east to west right in front of my car and several other cars. When I say large, I am talking about five feet long with a tail equally as long as its body. It was a beautiful buff color with short ears and a very long tail. I thought that the only thing it could be was a Florida panther. The animal I saw did not have a radio tracking collar on it.

Since then, I have looked up information on the Florida panther. Everything I have read describes the animal I saw except for one thing. The cat I saw had a white tip on its tail and the pictures of the adult Florida panther show a black tip on the tail. Because of the white tip on the tail, I am guessing that perhaps the cat I saw may have been a juvenile. All I know is that I saw a magnificent and beautiful animal.

Although these panthers once roamed throughout the southeastern United States, their range is now confined to parts of Florida, mostly the southern portion of the state in and around the Everglades. Here is some more information about the endangered Florida panther. Seeing one of these cats much further north in Polk County was simply amazing.

I reported my sighting to the Florida Wildlife Alert at (888) 404 3922. The person who took my call said that they will send one of their biologists to investigate any sightings and hopefully they will be able to find and track this young panther. I feel very privileged to have been able to see one of these beautiful Florida panthers.

News and Reflection

This morning, I got an email from my mother catching me up on the news. One of the news bits was that a cousin of mine had died, but no one knew until someone found him dead in his apartment.

My cousin was older than me, in his mid to late sixties. I never really knew him and had only met him once or twice in my life, the last of which was over forty years ago.

My cousin was the older of two children born to my mother's oldest brother. My uncle died very young from a sudden and unexpected heart failure. He was in his late thirties and he left my aunt a widow at a very young age. She later married another man and was divorced from him after it turned out that he was cheating in his business.

In the meantime, my mother's younger brother had married a woman from out west and they had three children of their own. When his wife died, my uncle contacted his brother's widow and eventually, they courted and married. I loved to joke that my cousins became siblings after that marriage.

Several years later, my uncle died. I was unable to attend the funeral, but my mother and sister did. When I saw pictures of my cousins, I remember thinking that this one cousin did not look well. In fact, he looked like someone who had lived a very hard and destructive life.

This cousin was the oldest of all my cousins. He was also my grandfather's namesake and as such, he inherited what little there was of my grandfather's estate. The numerical value was nothing, but the value of the memories were priceless and no one else in the family got anything. My mother said that she never even got a chance to get a tea cup from that house. The value of memories far outweigh the monetary value and yet my cousin never understood that.

So today, I got the news that a cousin of mine died alone. And I really do not care. He chose to be alone from the family and he ended up alone. Sad.

Cabbage Soup Diet - Day 5

First to recap Day 4, also known as bananas and milk day. Day 4 was the day I most dreaded because it was limited to cabbage soup, up to six bananas, and fat free milk. That combination was worse than unappealing to me. I had mightmarish thoughts of the cabbage soup making the milk curdle in my stomach. I immediately decided to drop the milk from Day 4.

Perhaps it was due to my negative attitude toward the foods allowed on Day 4, but I struggled emotionally all day. I made it through the afternoon and then decided that it was time to make a break from the deprivation of this diet. So for dinner, I had a 4 ounce chopped sirloin patty which I pan grilled. Along with the patty, I had leftover Brussels sprouts, a one inch slice from a bagette I had in the freezer, and 3 ounces of red wine. That meal was heaven and I slept very well Thursday night.

Friday morning, I weighed myself for the first time since embarking on the Cabbage Soup Diet. I had lost six pounds according to my scales! Since my clothes were only slightly looser, I estimated that most of that weight was probably water weight. Still, even being on the Cabbage Soup Diet had its benefits, if only for three and a half days.

First the Cabbage Soup Diet did provide a positive impetus for me to continue forward to lose the ten pounds I need to get off. I will now continue with the sensible eating habits, calorie counting,and portion controls I learned through Spark People. Second, the Cabbage Soup Diet does provide for a cleansing of the system of garbage from my old eating habits by focusing on the soup, fresh fruit and fresh vegetables during the first three days. I realized that I had not been eating enough fruit, so I am going to eat fewer carbohydrates and more fresh fruit during my continued diet. Third, the cabbage soup could provide a very filling and healthy high fiber and low calorie alternative for one meal each day. Since I liked the taste of the soup, that would not a problem for me.

The negatives of the Cabbage Soup Diet were several and the degree of which would probably vary from person to person. First, the diet gave me an intense feeling of deprivation. The second day was particularly difficult because I very much missed carbohydrates, particularly bread. Of all the things I was allowed to eat on this diet, the baked potato for dinner of Day 2 was biggest treat. Second, many people do not like cabbage and dislike the soup even more. This was not a problem for me. I never grew tired of the taste of the soup. Third, the cabbage soup made me feel very gassy and bloated. The sheer volume of the fiber tore up my intestinal tract. I believe that this is something that the body might adjust to eventually. Fourth, some people feel light headed on this diet, but I was more lethargic than light headed. Even so, I was able to do three miles of brisk walking at a very good pace each time two of the days I was on it.

I want to be very clear that I do not believe that the Cabbage Soup Diet nor any other similar very restrictive type of diet has some sort of magical fat burning properties. Based upon my limited knowledge, only exercise, calorie restriction, along with the body's metabolism of protein can burn off fat. I also believe that severe calorie deprivation for extended periods of time are very dangerous and can send the body into an unhealthy starvation mode. To adequately metabolize fuel, the body needs a minimum number of calories. This diet severely restricts the calories you consume. That is probably why it is only recommened for no more than one week.

Is the weight lost on the Cabbage Soup Diet really permanent? I doubt it. In my four days on this diet, I lost six pounds. My best guesstimate is that probably only two pounds of that, at the most, were a real weight loss while the rest was probably water loss. A better gauge of real weight loss is how your clothes fit. My clothes did not fit six pounds looser, so I take the scale reading with a grain of salt and expect to see some of that go back up. The trick is to use the pleasant surprise on the scale as a positive influence to stay with a more traditional and healthier diet.

So would I recommend the Cabbage Soup Diet? Yes, but only as a starter or a cleansing diet for a few days. This has been an interesting experience, but I doubt that I would do this again. It is probably better for me to stick with more traditional and proven methods for weight loss. And in the end, it is probably better not to allow your weight to get out of hand in the first place. Hopefully, I will remember that the next time I eat a ton of junk food or sweets.

To those who have read this blog, I appreciate it very much. Thank you.

Cabbage Soup Diet - Day 4

Day 3 was combination of Days 1 and 2 minus the baked potato of the Day 2 dinner. Of course, I was also allowed all the cabbage soup I wanted to eat. For dinner last night, I fixed steamed cauliflower and Brussels sprouts along with cooked carrots. Normally, when I fix cauliflower for us to eat, I usually pour a mustard sauce over it. The sauce consists of a combination of my homemade vinegarette and brown mustard watered down with a little water. Since I could not have the vinegarette, I watered down some spicy brown mustard and poured it over the vegetables. It was great and added some flavor to this bland diet. For dessert, I had eight strawberries. All of this was washed down by herbal tea. Exciting? No, this is incredibly dull!!!

Despite the monotony of this diet and the very limited foods I have been allowed to eat, I am not particularly hungry and I still have not tired of the taste of cabbage soup. What has happened is that I dread having to fix anything to eat because I know it is going to be dull and bland. Also, I am still having a problem with bloating due to gas from the cabbage in the soup. Nevertheless, I slept fairly well last night.

I woke up this morning dreading Day 4 which allows for bananas (up to six), non-fat milk, and of course, the ever present cabbage soup. The idea of drinking milk and eating cabbage soup nauseated me so I dropped the milk from today's foods. That left bananas and ... you guessed it - cabbage soup!

Early this morning, I had to take our eldest dog into the vet to have her teeth cleaned so I grabbed a banana for breakfast. Woo Hoo (sarcasm intended)! I like bananas okay, but one per day is like the max for me, so more than that is not particularly appealing. Since my day started early and I was hungry at 11 am, I had an early lunch consisting of a bowl of cabbage soup. Then around one, I had another banana which max'ed me out on bananas. Finally around four today, I was hungry again and had a second bowl of cabbage soup. I do not think I can face another banana today. And it makes me bloat up just to think about one more bowl of cabbage soup. I am about ready to bag this crazy diet and just eat right. Perhaps that is the point of the Cabbage Soup Diet and why its originator is anonymous.

My husband is disappointed in me for not staying with this the entire five days, but I am seriously considering bidding this diet goodbye and eat some real food tonight. Tomorrow is supposed to be beef day. So I am thinking about having a small ground sirloin patty with some asparagus and a small amount of rice. It will be low calorie and more important, real food. I am still debating and will post later as to my decision.

Cabbage Soup Diet - Day 3

What a difference a baked potato makes!

Before dinner last night, I was questioning if I would make it another day on this diet of deprivation, also known as the Cabbage Soup Diet. Surprisingly, the problem has not been the soup, which I still like, but it was the lack of carbohydrates, especially bread. That was what was killing me. Yesterday afternoon, I hit a low point emotionally. I was so down in the dumps that I was sure that I would last not another day. Then I ate dinner.

Day 2 of the Cabbage Soup Diet was vegetables all day plus the soup. For dinner, I was allowed to eat a large baked potato with butter on it. As I sat down to dinner with my husband, I stared at his leftover roast beef, potatoes au gratin, and Bussels sprouts along with his glass of red wine. My plate held a baked potato with butter, salt and pepper along with some Brussels sprouts. That baked potato was sooooooooo good, you would have thought I was eating lobster. I savored every single morsel of it along with the skin. My husband kept asking if that potato was really that good. Yes, it was awesome!

After dinner, my spirits really picked up and I told my husband that I was going to try to stay on this diet another day. Last night, with my stomach full of baked potato, I slept like a baby. I slept so well that I did not even know we had had a very strong rainstorm during the night. This morning, I felt renewed and decided to continue to do this diet one day at a time. I have not weighed myself, so I have no idea if it is doing anything yet.

Today starts Day 3. Day 3 of the Cabbage Soup Diet is a mixture of Days 1 and 2. I can eat fruit (except bananas) and all the vegetables from Day 2 except the baked potato. This morning, I started with stewed prunes and for lunch, I had cabbage soup. I am planning on eating a vegetable plate for dinner with cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, and carrots. For a snack, I will eat an apple and for dessert tonight, leftover strawberries. Today should go fairly well.

Tomorrow is the day that worries me. Day 4 will consist of cabbage soup plus bananas and fat free milk. That is not appetizing to me. We shall see. Soldiering on one day at a time.

Cabbage Soup Diet - Day 2

Last night, I could not sleep. My stomach was jumping and gaseous, a side effect that the website warned about. I am hoping that feeling of gassy bloating will subside as this diet progresses.

Day 2 allows for cabbage soup plus all the vegetables I wish to eat except peas, dried beans, and corn. Tonight I get a real treat...a baked potato with butter on it. I am not joking when I say that I am really looking forward to that baked potato because I am already feeling some deprivation.

After only one day, some realities have emerged. I believe the cabbage soup diet does not possess any magical qualities that suddenly burn off a lot of fat. What it does do is fill you up with lots of low calorie fber and its attendant gas.

I have found that I am not really hungry at all. But I am feeling deprived of eating things I want to enjoy. I am eating much less on this diet than I envisioned before I began it and perhaps that is the real purpose of it.

This morning, I had a bowl of cabbage soup for breakfast. Unlike some folks, I do not mind the cabbage soup. I made mine spicy by adding the diced tomatoes that had green chilis in them instead of plain diced tomatoes. I did not even eat a snack this morning but went for a three mile brisk walk instead. For lunch, I had a big plate of cauliflower with salt and pepper on it. Cauliflower gave me something with texture to eat and I really enjoyed it.

It is interesting what I am missing after only being on this diet for one and a half days. I am not missing sugar or sweets. I am not missing wine or alcohol. I am not missing snacks. I am not missing meat. But I am missing carbs and in particular, bread. I love bread and I really miss it. There will not be one slice of bread during five days that I will be on the diet. In fact, the closest thing to bread is the baked potato that I will be allowed to have tonight.

I am using the Cabbage Soup Diet to jump start me into losing ten pounds over the next two and a half months, with April 1 being the date for my goal weight. Luckily I will only be on this for five days instead of the full seven. Then I will go back to eating more normally but with weighing measuring all my food and avoiding refined sugar.

So far, I am soldiering on.

Addendum to Day 2:

I have had problems both days in the afternoon when I felt lightheaded and somewhat lethargic. About mid afternoon, I ate a second bowl of cabbage soup but that did not seem to help much. I have already gone through half of the pot of soup I made. Right now, I am wondering if I will make even five days. I am going to try to take it one day at a time, but I am beginning to think the caloric intake may be too low for someone like me who does not need to lose a lot of weight.

Tonight is a baked potato and Brussels sprouts. I love Brussels sprouts so that is good.